Seberapa sering dirimu aware atau sadar sama wallpaper hape?

Aku sendiri ga terlalu sering merhatiin wallpaper hape. Seringnya, keseharianku pake hape kurang lebih gini aja, unlock hape (simply dengan nempelin jempol ke layar), langsung ke app yang dituju, pencet, trus ngelakuin apapun itu di app yang dibuka. Scrolling Quora, ngurus kerjaan, ngechat keluarga, ngabarin temen, ngitung duit, buka kamera, etc, etc, hampir selalu wallpaper hape ga narik arah pikiran for even a second.

I think in a way, death, is just like that.

We are all busy. I think we are busiest than ever. We are filling life with all kinds of things. The important ones, the ones which we cannot live without, and the dumb unimportant-but-kinda-“useful”-ones, the ones we decide to spend time, energy, and money on just because we desire to. All the while, the wallpaper is there. Always there. Static. Laying on its side, with its two big paws facing us. Waiting. But, what is it?

Entah sejak kapan, aku merasa cukup sering memikirkan ketiadaan hidup. Not in a way that I want to end my own, but instead just as a stupid reflection. Namun sifatnya kayak wallpaper hape. Muncul di pikiran kalo hidup dan kepala lagi ga terlalu keruh, ga terlalu riweuh. Kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, pun aku juga banyak baca buku yang bersinggungan dengan kematian. Langsung, atau tak langsung. Fiksi, atau tak fiksi.

I’m drawn to think and feel. I don’t really know the reason for it. I suppose it’s like what Russ Ramsey said in his Van Gogh Has a Broken Heart － this is a great book btw, you should at least consider reading it once:

“… so we lean in when sad stories are told because they prepare us for what’s coming. They teach us about pain and suffering when we’re not necessarily going through those trials personally in that moment. They allow us to feel the feelings of grief and loss without the personal anxiety that accompanies them when that sorrow is uniquely our own. They remind us that we are not alone in our pain. It is a sign of emotional maturity to be able to feel competing emotions—like hope and sorrow—at the same time, and sad stories give us practice.”

Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it…

Pernah kepikiran gak sih, apakah orang yang sudah meninggal itu merasa sedih? Hypothetically speaking, sepertinya I would. Menurutku dalam konteks emosi － dan mungkin imajinasi － grieve.. duka.. bukan hanya sesuatu yang eksklusif dirasakan oleh orang-orang yang ditinggalkan, tapi juga orang yang meninggalkan. Well, for a fact, you left your loved ones, your pet, your home. Uniknya, dalam kitab Wahyu tertulis:

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

For this one, I guess we will see.

Sepertinya singkat saja, cukup di sini dulu, sudah malam. Just a quick reminder － buatku sendiri, dan semoga buatmu juga － that the wallpaper of our life is there, and that it might worth the time to look at it and pay attention to it every now and then.